Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The adults are the big ones right?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
