Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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