So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
