You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
