Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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