So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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