Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
