I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
