look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
