i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
