If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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