I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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