3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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