Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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