3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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