yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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