Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
