I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
