I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
