Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
