piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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