# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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