your thong is hanging out like whoa
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
