I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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