so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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