so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
