I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
