I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
