the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
