I will die if light touches me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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