when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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