Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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