Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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