My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
