i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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