Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
