I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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