I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
