What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
