is your mom at the bar?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
