Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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