The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
