Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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