ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
