I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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