If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
