if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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