I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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