Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
