I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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