Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
