I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Is it penis luge time yet?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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