Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
