If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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