guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
