I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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