It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
