a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
